War and Trees/Transcript

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[The episode opens with a shot of an ice cream truck with a flat tire as raccoons approach it.]

Girl 1: Who will save the ice cream truck?

Girl 2: I'm melting.

Lucretia: Help us, Harvey Girls. Save our frozen treats!

[The Harvey Girls ride in on Dot's bike, jumping a ramp and landing near the ice cream truck. Dot takes a wheel from her bike and holds it up.]

Dot: Ladies, it's go time. Lotta?

Lotta: On it, Dot! [Lifts up the ice cream truck] Huh. Lot of gum under here. [pulls a piece of gum from under the truck and chews it]

Dot: [replaces the flat tire with the bike wheel] See, this is why I always carry at least three types of spare tires. Audrey, perimeter secure?

Audrey: If you mean, "Is raccoon butt about to be kicked?" Well... [pulls out a jump rope] What's your answer, boys? [the raccoons try to attack but are repelled by Audrey's jump rope and sent flying] [The other kids cheer]

Audrey: Post-victory frozen treat? It's on me. [smells something] I smell fresh injustice.

[Scene changes to Lotta's house. Audrey, still smelling, kicks the door open.]

Audrey: Aha!

Lotta: [gasps] There's injustice in my bedroom?

[Audrey sniffs around.]

Lotta: Oh, is it because I only hung up posters for three of the four members of Crush 4 U? [eyes twinkle] 'Cause I love all of them.

Audrey: [sniffs the wall] No, the scent is coming from... [gasps upon seeing Tiny sulking to himself]

Lotta: Oh! Tiny! [picks Tiny up] What's wrong?

Tiny: The other boys won't let me into their treehouse. They say I'm too small.

Dot: [measures Tiny with a length of measuring tape] Hmm. You're no smaller than the other first graders.

Tiny: I'm in third grade.

Dot: Oh.

Lotta: Aw, forget those jerks, Tiny. Hang with us! We don't see size. You're a giant, right? [winks]

Tiny: Thanks, but I really want inside. [eyes twinkle, he imagines being in the Bloogey Boys' treehouse with a plane passing in the background] The Bloogey Boys' treehouse is just so... tall.

Audrey: Oh, Bloogey Boys!

[Scene flashes back to the Bloogey Boys and Audrey at age 5, with Audrey about to eat a sandwich.]

Audrey: They have been the stains of Harvey Street ever since we were 5 years old. Their leader, Melvin, called me a name, that name which should never be spoken.

[Scene shatters back to the present]

Audrey: [eye twitches, she puts her hands on Tiny's shoulders and holds him to her side] Tiny, we are moving you into this treehouse. [lifts Tiny up] Let's right the snot out of this wrong, Harvey Girls.

Lotta: Yeah!

Dot: Yes, but no snot.

Tiny: I'm an honorary girl!

[Scene changes to the Harvey Girls and Tiny in the woods.]

Dot: From my files on the Bloogey Boys...

Lotta: You have files on the Bloogey Boys?

Dot: I have files on everyone in the neighborhood. [Audrey and Tiny look at Lotta uncomfortably, Lotta shrugs] [Dot hands them a file] Fredo: loves dumb horror movies, yet can't sleep without a nightlight. Weakness: math. Pinkeye: loves poetry and modern American dance. Weakness: depth perception. Melvin: the self-proclaimed leader. Dead aim with a spitball. Collects comic books, but never reads them for fear of decreasing their value. His weakness: blueberry muffins.

Audrey: How do we bring him down with blueberry muffins?

Dot: Lotta, the basket.

[Scene changes to the Bloogey Boys' treehouse.]

Melvin: Disgusted! Demented! So push your drawings further, further! Drive me to the brink of mad-- [smells blueberry muffins] Blueberry muffins. [floats out the door and sees the Harvey Girls below]

Dot: Oh, hello, Melvin. Muffin basket? No catch. Just that very common problem of having too many muffins. [blinks audibly twice]

Melvin: There's no catch!

Fredo: Dude!

Pinkeye: That's what they said last time!

Melvin: [smells the muffins again] Fredo, lower the bucket.

[Fredo lowers a bucket and pulls up the muffins. Upon seeing them, Melvin gasps and a waterfall of drool comes out of his mouth. He takes one and sees Tiny underneath.]

Tiny: [chuckles] Hi.

Melvin: [puts Tiny on the windowsill] Too small! [pushes Tiny out the window, Lotta catches him] [Melvin throws the remaining muffins to the ground]

Dot: [scoffs] Could at least eat the muffins. I did bake them from scratch.

Audrey: [picks up a muffin] Oh, I'll feed him a muffin.

Lotta: Whoa, whoa, Audrey. [drops Tiny] Muscles aren't always the answer. I got this. [grabs the rope that the treehouse bucket is attached to and pulls the entire tree down, causing the Bloogey Boys to fall out and hang from the banister]

Pinkeye: Tell my cat I loved him!

Lotta: That's better. Hi, can we talk? So what if Tiny's fun-sized, huh? We need to accept people for who they are. Who cares that Fredo smells like bologna? [Fredo looks at Melvin and Pinkeye embarrassed] Or Melvin eats mayo straight out of the jar. [Melvin looks mortified] Or Pinkeye has alopecia. [Pinkeye nods affirmatively] And, hey, you'd never know it looking at me, but I'm flatfooted. We all have things that make us special. So, you're gonna let up Tiny?

Pinkeye: He's...

Fredo: Too...

Melvin: ...Small!

Lotta: [lets go of the rope, causing the treehouse to sling back into place, and stands aloof] I tried, but you know how boys get tongue-tied around a pretty face.

Tiny: Thanks, but you were right. I should just give up on my dream. [Audrey grabs him]

Audrey: No, no, no, no, no. Your dream is alive [pulls Tiny close to her face] and furious! [holds Tiny in her arm] We'll fight these jerks with our most fantabulous weapon!

[Transition to the Bloogey Boys drawing.]

Melvin: Great! Now all I'm drawing are blueberry muffins. Someone make me think about something else.

[Billy floats up tied to a balloon, causing the Bloogey Boys to gasp. Fredo grabs a pair of scissors and cuts the balloon's string and the boys sigh in relief, only to see the balloon start expanding]

Melvin: Uh-oh.

[The balloon explodes into glitter, filling the treehouse. Melvin falls out the door, followed by Fredo falling on him and causing him to cough up a cloud of glitter. Pinkeye sticks his head out the window.]

Pinkeye: (left eye covered in glitter and watering) It got in my good eye!

Audrey: Ooh, looks like someone exploded glitter all over your treehouse.

Lotta: You know, Tiny's an excellent cleaner. [moves to the side, revealing Tiny in a bucket with a mop]

Melvin: [groans and coughs up another cloud of glitter] Fine! Tiny can clean the treehouse.

Tiny: [gasps] Yippee!

Audrey: [picks up Tiny] Great! [carries Tiny over to the treehouse] Now apologize to him.

Melvin: For what?

Audrey: For what you said to me-- I mean him-- in the first place!

[Melvin comes down on the treehouse bucket.]

Melvin: There are two things I will never do: learn to write cursive and apologize.

Audrey: Oh, well, uh, if we're getting real, [chuckles] when I wrote "Have a great summer" in your yearbook last year, I wasn't... being... genuine!

Melvin: You soggy old handball!

Audrey: You square cafeteria pizza!

Melvin: Lousy field trip buddy!

Audrey: You still can't tie your shoes!

[zooms in on Melvin's shoes, showing that he's wearing velcro laces.]

Melvin: You're a... [echoing] BUTT SANDWICH!

[Audrey gasps in shock and anger. Scene flashes back to the Bloogey Boys and Audrey at age 5 again.]

Audrey: That name.

[Scene shatters back to the present. Audrey is trembling with rage. Dot, Lotta, Tiny, Fredo, and Pinkeye all gasp.]

Audrey: THIS. MEANS. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!!!!

[Scene changes to the Bloogey Boys applying war paint and the Harvey Girls applying stickers. Pinkeye fires a booger out of a straw that bounces off several paint cans, one of which he pours, transitioning into the next scene. Fredo looks out of a straw and fires a spitball, which transitions into the Harvey Girls fixing their hair; Lotta puts on hairclips, Audrey cuts her bangs, and Dot messes up her hair before putting on a helmet that looks identical to her normal hairstyle. The Harvey Girls approach the Bloogey Boys' treehouse.]

Audrey: Bloogey Boys! [punches the air as Lotta holds her back] I'm gonna smash your brains--

Melvin: Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, there are rules. This is war, not dodgeball. The following things are out of bounds: wet willies, atomic and subatomic wedgies, taking toy hostages.

Dot: Permanent markers.

Fredo: Cats.

Dot: Boogers.

Pinkeye: Boogers stay.

Dot: Hmm. Acceptable.

Melvin: If everyone's satisfied... attack!

[The Bloogey Boys fire their spitballs and boogers. Dot gasps and she, Audrey, and Tiny run away. Lotta stops to tie her shoe before seeing the attack and dodging the spitballs.]

Dot: Shields up! [she, Audrey, and Tiny use their binders as shields]

Audrey: Advance and return fire! [She, Dot, and Tiny retaliate with water balloons, which Melvin and Fredo narrowly dodge]

Melvin: Fire the cannon!

[Pinkeye turns a spigot, sending water through a hose which Fredo lets build up before letting it go to a clown-shaped sprayer that fires a water ball that pushes Audrey and Lotta back and into a ditch. Dot lands on Lotta.]

Audrey: Girls, we need to-- wait, where's Tiny?

Lotta: [checks her pockets] Not in my pockets.

[The Harvey Girls look up from the ditch to see Tiny hiding behind a bush, holding a water balloon.]

Audrey: Tiny! You need to throw that balloon! Show Melvin that he can't call you a butt sandwich!

Tiny: Don't you mean "too small"?

Audrey: Just take the shot!

[Just as Melvin and Pinkeye run out of ammunition, Fredo points to Tiny below.]

Tiny: I am of average size! [Melvin bursts his water balloon with a spitball, causing Tiny to black out]

[Tiny comes to with Audrey looming over him and carrying him in her arms.]

Tiny: Audrey? Is that you?

Audrey: (dodging spitballs) Stay strong!

Tiny: I'm so cold. My--my socks are wet.

Audrey: I said, "Stay strong!" Remember what we're fighting for!

Lotta: Quick question--no biggie, but, uh, what are we fighting for, again?

Audrey: Obviously, we're fighting for Tiny.

Tiny: Are we in the treehouse yet? I can't see. There's so much water in my eyes, so much water. [faints]

Audrey: Tiny? Noooooooo! That should be me in my arms. I let my grudge against Melvin get in the way of Tiny's justice. And now, he's-- he's soaked. His water is on my hands! I have to live with that... forever.

Lotta: Yeah, you do. Or you could just go back to getting Tiny his justice.

Audrey: You're right! We can still get Tiny into that treehouse. We just need to stop fighting like Bloogey Boys and start smarting like Harvey Girls. Dot, how do we smart like Harvey Girls?

Dot: Thinking, yes, and... got it. Lotta, did you bring your dancing shoes?

Lotta: Always!

Dot: Good. Audrey, can you parkour up that tree?

Audrey: Blindfolded, backwards, and while chewing gum. But what about the boys' security system?

Dot: Leave that to me.

[The Harvey Girls and Tiny look up from their ditch. Lotta runs towards the treehouse.]

Lotta: Battle cry! [chants, then stops and begins dancing]

Pinkeye: Uh, what's she doing?

[Lotta starts making faces.]

Audrey: Lotta's got 'em distracted. Go! [picks up Tiny as Dot runs ahead]

Lotta: (still dancing) And watch me, watch me, watch me, watch me. Ah, ah, ah!

Fredo: I think she's dancing.

Pinkeye: [spontaneously starts dancing] She's making me want to dance, too!

Melvin: No! It's a show of strength. She's trying to intimidate us with her muscles.

Lotta: I know every step the boys in Crush for You ever danced, fellas. You lost the second you looked my way.

[Audrey, Dot, and Tiny run into a bush. Dot gives Audrey a "move out" signal and Audrey and Tiny leave.]

Dot: Time to fly, Dotcopter. [reaches into the bush and pulls out a remote control]

[A nearby blue jay is scared out of its nest by the Dotcopter activating and taking off. Dot flies the Dotcopter to gather the Bloogey Boys' paint cans and gives a thumbs-up to Audrey, who gives a "can do" gesture in response before climbing the treehouse ladder. The Dotcopter detonates the paint cans offscreen. Meanwhile, Lotta is still distracting the boys with her dancing.]

Melvin: Yeah, I still wanna spitball her.

[The Bloogey Boys fire spitballs at Lotta, but she dodges them. Audrey sneaks up onto the balcony and carefully carries Tiny to the treehouse window. He walks out of her hands and lands inside.]

Tiny: Hey, Melvin, who's too small now?

[The Bloogey Boys gasp and turn around. Melvin loses his balance and falls.]

Lotta: Do-do-do! Got ya! [catches Melvin and puts him on the ground]

Audrey: Tiny got his justice.

[Melvin glares at Audrey, who climbs down the tree.]

Audrey: But I'm still owed mine... for you calling me a butt sandwich all those years ago.

Melvin: Uh, yeah. I called you that because your butt sat on my sandwich.

Audrey: Oh, right. Well...

[Everyone hears the ice cream truck's jingle.]

Audrey: Uh, buy you ice cream and call it even?

Melvin: [nods affirmatively]

[Everyone runs toward the ice cream truck.]

Audrey and Melvin: Rainbow Bazooka, please!

[Realizing their shared tastes, Audrey and Melvin lock eyes.]

Audrey: Maybe we're not...

Melvin: ...So different, you and I. [lightning comes between them]

Ice cream man: Sorry, I've only got one Rainbow Bazooka left.

[Audrey and Melvin grab the Rainbow Bazooka. Melvin pulls it back, then Audrey pulls it back before they begin fighting over it.]

Audrey: Let go! I won the war!

Melvin: You let go, butt sandwich!

[Audrey tackles Melvin, knocking him offscreen and knocking the Rainbow Bazooka out of his hand. The camera irises in around the Rainbow Bazooka spinning in the air.]

Melvin: Ow, ow!