Wary Lotta & the Chamber of Secrets/Transcript


 * Lotta: Dear Diary, it's me, Lotta. Well, I can't stop thinking about my big secret crush on Gerald.

It's so embarrassing. No one has crushes! I can't even tell... What ya doing, L-slice? Uh, brushing my teeth. And clean! Whoo. Oh, we better hurry. Don't want to lose our front-row seats for Gerald's parrot seminar. [giggles] I'm all for over-preparedness, but why did we have to camp out for seats when no one else is here? This is my spot, squeakers! Uh, you're acting funny. Hmm, sweaty palms, increased heart rate, severe googly eyes My diagnosis, you're having a wacky attack. It's like a panic attack, but wackier. -That, or you have a cru -It's that! Definitely that! -[Gerald] Testing. -[feedback whines] Whoo, Gerald. Testing. [rolling tongue] Red vegan leather, yellow vegan leather, red vegan leather What? Just a fan of vegan leather. -Good morning. And welcome to my GER-Squawk. Today's subject, "Parrots. " What? How did that get there? Squawk-ward! But I am available to perform at Bow Mitzvahs. Noted. Anyhoo. Parrots. What do we know about them? They can fly! They always poop on my head! They're a highly intelligent pantropical species with zygodactyl claws. That's right, nothing. Except that they live on the fringes of Harvey Street. Mysterious, articulate, well-coiffed. [whistle blows] Could he be any more sensitive? I mean, stop caring so much about other living things, or we'll have to call him, uh, Care-uld. [chuckles] Zing, right? [parrot squawks] The parrots are outsiders, unable to enjoy our block's simple pleasures like upcycled tree-seed socks or BPA-free organic water gelato or reading my latest book of philosophical musings That's So Deep Volume Three. [grunts] [birds chirping] I want to help us to get to know the parrots better and say mi flock-a es su flock-a. So I'd like to announce the first Harvey Street Parrots Are People Too Parade! -I love a parade! -[gasps] I'll bring my head, in case they want to poop on it. Finally, a showcase for my baton twirling. Hip-hip-hooray. Great idea, Gerald! Audrey and Dot and me love parrots.
 * Audrey and Dot: We do?

Uh-huh. We had no idea they were so, um, pleasure-less. Those parrots can fly away from anything, except their own sadness. Yeah, uh, that's why we want to give them one of those things they're missing out on, like [gasps] We're gonna teach the flock to read your book for the parade celebration! -[squeals] -[both] We are? Whoa. That'd be so legit, it'd be legitimate. Yeah, you are legit. I mean, no parrot left behind! -Off we go! -Ooh! Whoo! -[groans] -Ooh, that was close. Uh, real quick, is teaching parrots to read science-able? That's to beak determined. [chuckles] But this is no time for humor. We'll try, since Lotta clearly wants to impress Gerald. I am not doing this to impress Gerald. [chuckles] I'm doing it for the Ger-rots the Par-alds. Whoa! You can see everything from up here! Look, there's Lucretia! [parrots squawking] -[splatter] -[gasps] My hair! Okay, flock, we're gonna teach you to read. [parrots] "Okay, flock, we're gonna teach you to read. " Good, good. But you're just repeating what I say. Reading is when you repeat what your eyes see. [parrots] "We're gonna teach you to read. " Good students get stickers. Oh, yeah, that's the stuff. Cup-cake. [all] Cupcake. Ooh, so close. Cup-cake. -Cup-cake. -[all] Cupcake. Good! -Cupcake! -Cupcake. Moving on to the advanced level. This is Gerald's book. [giggles] Cupcake. [parrots] That's So Deep Volume Three. Good, good. "If a ukulele player plays a ukulele but no one is there to hear it, does the ukulele player's playing make a ukulele sound?" [gasps] He asks the questions we're all thinking. Now you try. [all] If a ukulele "A sweater without a vintage design is like a bird without its wings. " [cheering] We did it! Just in time for the parade. And I didn't fall asleep during Gerald's boring book once! Okay, I did fall asleep once. But not twice. Okay, I did fall asleep twice but not more than seven times! "Dear Diary, it's me, Lotta. " Oh, are you in Gerald's book? -That is deep. -"Dear Diary" -That's not Gerald's book. -"I, Lotta have a crush on Gerald!" My diary! Give it back! Hush! Quiet! Shh! Zip it! -"Crush on Gerald. " -"Crush on Gerald. " I guess there's no denying it. I, Lotta, have a crush [Audrey] On Gerald. We know. It's coolsky. No, it's not coolsky! You don't know what it's like to be the only kid on the block with a crush. Aw, just 'cause I've never had a crush and Dot's never had a crush no one we know's ever had a crush Not helping. Point is, it's only embarrassing if you let it be. Besides, I bet the pare-pares will forget all about it and no one else will ever know. "I, Lotta, have a crush on Gerald. I, Lotta, have a crush on Gerald. " Or the opposite of what I said will happen. "I, Lotta, have a crush on Gerald. " Lotta has a crush on me? That's so embarrassing. [gasps] You are hereby sentenced to a lifetime of being laughed at, so says, I, Fantasy Gerald. [evil laughter] -[laughter] - [gasping] [Gerald laughing] [Tiny] That's Old Lady Lotta. She once had a crush, remember? Not legit, says, I, Old Fantasy Gerald. [sighs] On the upside, Gerald aged well. But we have to stop those parrots! [parrots] "I, Lotta, have a crush on Gerald. " "I, Lotta, have a crush on Gerald. " -"I, Lotta, have a crush on Gerald. " -Higher! "Have a crush on Gerald" "Have a crush on Gerald. " [grunting] "Crush on Gerald. " [squawks] Don't even think about it. [marching band music playing] [Lotta] The parade's about to start! -My life is over! -"My life is over!" "Over!" "My life is over!" Hey, at least they're not saying "Lotta has a crush on Gerald. " "Lotta has a crush on Gerald. " You got to stop talking. No, talk more. We've got to get them to say other stuff, like fake secrets things so crazy that they could never be real. That way no one will think your secret is true. Ooh, sneaky. Hey, flappers! Who wants to earn more stickers? [parrots squawking] -Have you heard that Lucretia -[Audrey]Secretly uses waffles [Lotta] To, uh, play tennis. -[Dot] And Tiny secretly has purple -[Lotta] Eyebrows! -[Dot] Andand Audrey uses confetti -[Audrey] To shower! And I heard that Dot once had a picnic with an angry monkey. I'm so jelly. -And I heard that Gerald eats -Banana pickle tacos Dipped in ketchup! For breakfast! "Gerald eats banana pickle tacos dipped in ketchup for breakfast!" -"Lucretia uses waffles to play tennis!" -"Audrey showers in confetti!" [Lotta] It worked! Now no one will know about my secret crush on Gerald! Unless they heard me just yell that. [sighs] [parrots] "Lucretia uses waffles to play tennis!" That's ridiculous. Everyone knows you play tennis with pancakes. "Tiny has purple eyebrows!" And I don't have purple eyebrowsyet. Yep, total nonsense, so let's just forget everything they say, âcause obviously none of it is true. Gerald, are you okay? [Lotta] Your cheeks are all red. Now your nose is and your ears. Uh, well, some of what the parrots said is true. [dramatic music] I do eat banana pickle tacos dipped in ketchup for breakfast. I can't help it. I love gross food combos. I thought you guys were legit. We had hashtag-squawk-goals. Whoa. What were the chances that one of our ridicu-crazy secrets would actually be true? [sighs] I crushed my crush. At least your secret's still safe.
 * Dot: And that's what you wanted, right? Gerald, wait! Please don't be upset.

Liking gross food combos isn't that bad. Look, mayo, applesauce, some hair [gagging] See? Tastes pretty goo[gags] Thanks, but I need to be in my safe space right now. You don't know what it's like to have an embarrassing secret. [retches] What are you doing here? Come to watch the freak show? No. I want to tell you, you're not the only one with an embarrassing secret. Dear Diary Oh, sorry, habit. Dear Harvey Street, I have a crush on Gerald. [winces] Crushes are normal. Like the one you all have on me.
 * Dot: I once got an A on a science test. Just a plain A, no plus!
 * Audrey: Yeah, and sometimes I say, "Whoever smelt it dealt it," even when I dealt it. [sighs] Felt good to let that out. [farts] And to let that out, too.

I wear shorts as pants! I like to clean my ears and then sniff the wax! I guess all of us have secrets that we think are embarrassing, but once you say them out loud, they're not that bad. [parrot] Now, that's deep. [all squawk] So, parade back on? No. Because I'm renaming it the Parrots-Are-People-Too-Slash- Embarrassing-Secrets-Are-Okay! Slash-Banana-Pickle-Tacos- Aren't-That-Gross Parade! [whistle blows] I get sweaty palms sometimes. [chuckles] Want to know a secret? So do I. [parrots] Aw! Lotta giggling 