Trade Wreck/Transcript


 * [The Harvey Girls rise up from behind a hill.]
 * Audrey: [puts her hand above her head to imitate a horn] For glory!
 * Dot: [making the same gesture as Audrey] For honor.
 * Lotta: [making the same gesture as Audrey and Dot] For all the fun you can fit on your head.
 * Audrey, Dot, and Lotta: We three are the Horn-A-Corns!
 * [A fantasy sequence of the Horn-A-Corns plays as the girls roll down the hill.]
 * Audrey: The Horn-A-Corns are all the best.
 * Lotta: I can't believe Tiny's gonna trade us a set of Pegtor, the strong, Cheevanka, the swift, and Narwhalla, the sweet. [as she lists them off, they appear in a thought bubble next to her] They're sold out everywhere.
 * Dot: Well, he's not a Horn Head like us, [holds up a Lil' Lad comic] but he is into Lil' Lad. And this is just what the Trading Tree was created for: it's a place where kids from all over the triblock can get what they want.
 * [Two boys on the Trading Tree trade a donut for a pickle, while Lucretia trades The Bow a tooth for a pair of plastic vampire teeth and they both scuttle away in opposite directions.]
 * Dot: An economy of our own, founded by the wisest of us all.
 * [A smoke bomb is suddenly thrown to the ground, signaling Bobby the Elder's appearance.]
 * Audrey: Hi, Bobby the Elder. [sees that Bobby is holding Melvin by his jacket, crosses her arms and reacts with disgust] Melvin.
 * Bobby: Hello, girls. I'm just escorting this youth off the tree for attempting to trade [raises Melvin's hand to show his palm covered in red food coloring] fake cake.
 * Melvin: I didn't do it. I'm just naturally red-handed.
 * Bobby: Heavy is the head that wears the crown. [knocks Melvin's crown off, revealing a slice of red cake leaking food coloring on Melvin's head]
 * Audrey, Dot, and Lotta: Gasp!
 * Melvin: Fine. I tried to pass off dyed sponge cake as red velvet to score a better trade. [wipes food coloring on his jacket] So what? [throws the sponge cake away] Cake is cake.
 * Audrey: Sponge cake is a far cry from red velvet. Even the jerk raccoons don't want it, and they'll steal anything.
 * [Two raccoons fight over the sponge cake and eat two pieces of it, only to immediately take it out and throw it back at Melvin. The cake hits him in the face and covers him in food coloring.]
 * Bobby: The trading tree is founded on trust. Now, I'm a year older, so maybe you're too young to remember, but before the Trading Tree, this park used to be a war zone. [flashes back to a girl using a water balloon to mug a boy for his tricycle] There was crying. Oh, so much crying. [the boy falls to his knees, whimpers, and cries] So, to end it, I created the Trading Tree, with but three simple rules. Rule #1: [two kids trade a Rainbow Bazooka for a ball, but the second kid tries to trade back] No backsies. Rule #2: [two kids attempt to trade a teddy bear for a raccoon, but the raccoon slices the bear's head off] No living thingsies. Rule #3: [one kid offers a superhero action figure while the other offers a poorly-made fake toy] Most importantly, no fakesies. When you break even one of those rules, you are banned for... an hour, which I hear feels like forever.
 * Melvin: I'll still get what I want. You'll see. And I'll eat cake as I wait. [eats a piece of sponge cake, gags and jumps into the air] This tastes like math homework. [falls to the ground] But I still rule. [crawls away]
 * Lotta: Thanks, Mr. The Elder.
 * [The girls climb the ladder up.]
 * Bobby: Happy trading, girls.
 * Audrey: Now to get back to getting our Horn-A-Corns. [looks in the front kiosk to see no one there] Where's Tiny?
 * [Lotta looks under the bell on the desk.]
 * Tiny: (offscreen) Here I am. [camera zooms out to show him behind the girls] You didn't think I was under there, did you? I'm tiny, but not-- [gets pushed forward by the wind] Ah, strong breeze! Whoa, whoa! [is blown away, but Lotta grabs him]
 * Lotta: Got ya! Ready for our trade?
 * Tiny: About that... sorry, but someone already traded me something even better for the Horn-A-Corns: [pulls out a magician's top hat] this hat! [puts it on his head over his eyes] It makes me seven inches taller. Seven. Inches.
 * [Dot and Lottta give a thumbs-up.]
 * Dot: Impressed compliment.
 * Audrey: [sighs] So, who has our Horn-A-Corns now?
 * [Scene cuts to Frufru, who seems to be talking to someone offscreen.]
 * Frufru: People say I only frown, but I always have a smile for you. [camera zooms out to show that she's talking to her reflection in a compact mirror]
 * Audrey: Frufru, we need to trade with you, you. You, just you.
 * [Frufru's smile slowly turns to a frown as she turns to face the girls.]
 * Frufru: Hard pass. You have nothing I want. [eyes the girls up and down to evaluate their appearances] You don't even have anything I'd give away.
 * Lotta: Aw, thanks for calling us unique, [chuckles] but do you have Tiny's Horn-A-Corns?
 * Frufru: I had them, but dumped them the instant I realized they were only toy Horn-A-Corns, not real ones. So I traded them to Lucretia for this. [shows the girls another compact]
 * Lotta: Why do you need two compacts?
 * Frufru: A girl can't have too many friends. [looks at herself in both compacts and grins, one of her eyes twitching slightly]
 * [The Harvey Girls slowly back away, visibly disturbed.]
 * Audrey: This makes zero sense. Lucretia knows we want those toys. She wouldn't snipe that trade from us unless-- [gasps, scene cuts to the girls finding Lucretia buried in a pile of candy] Fudge nickels.
 * [Lucretia attempts to lick a lollipop in her right hand, but can't reach it.]
 * Audrey: Who sugared you up, Lucreesh? Who else wants the Horn-A-Corns?
 * Lucretia: Purple... [extends her right arm and puts two fingers around her eye] pupil.
 * [The girls blink at each other twice. Scene cuts to Pinkeye descending a ladder with the Horn-A-Corns. Audrey swings in on a rope and grabs him]
 * Audrey: Hi, Pinkeye, wanna trade? Okay! [drops Pinkeye on a branch with Dot and Lotta]
 * Lotta: The toys! Ooh, did they capture Narwhalla's sly smile?
 * Dot: [climbs on Lotta's arm] How many points of articulation do they have?
 * Pinkeye: Hey, back off! I tricked Lucretia into trading these fair and square.
 * Dot: But why? You don't like horned creatures of beauty and grace. Hmm?
 * Pinkeye: [pushes Dot back] Okay, they're not for me, they're for... [looks around in silence] Melvin! He said it was a secret but he wants to spray paint and cut off their hair and tie them to fireworks.
 * [Audrey, eyes red with rage, lunges at Pinkeye, but Lotta restrains her.]
 * Dot: Well, that's horrific, but you're reasonable, Pinky. Tell us what you want, and it's yours.
 * Pinkeye: Hmm. The only thing that I'd trade them for is the rarest card in the Snack Attackers collectible card game, the Zu Queenie. Whoever wields that card is the queen of the game. [chuckles] But there are only four in existence, so, you know, it's probably--
 * Audrey: Oh, that card? [scoffs] I got that. [Pinkeye gasps] Wait here.
 * [Scene changes to the Harvey Girls' trailer.]
 * Lotta: Wow, good thing you got that card. [looks under two beanbag chairs, one of which Dot is sitting on] Do you remember where it is?
 * Audrey: Oh, I don't have that card. But Dot has a plan.
 * Dot: I do?
 * Audrey: You don't?
 * Dot: My plan was always to trust in the Trading Tree. But now capitalism has failed us. [Lotta puts a hand on her shoulder]
 * Audrey: (rummaging through her belongings, including a log, a golf club, a baseball bat, a pillow, and a cactus) Well, we gotta do something. You heard Pinkeye, Melvin is gonna destroy-o-plode the Horn-A-Corns. [Dot and Lotta look at each other] Just imagine, [the girls' Horn-A-Corn poster slowly changes; Cheevanka is covered in paint, Pegtor's mane is shaved off, and Narwhalla's horn is wrapped with firecrackers] their cute fur, trashed! Their magnificent manes, gone! Their spectacu-pendous horns... [cuts back to Audrey, who makes an explosion sound] And that is why, for the greater good, I say... we make a fakesie.
 * [Dot and Lotta gasp. Dot nods in agreement]
 * Dot: Ladies, I love rules more than anyone, but I see no other choice. If we'd simply lost the Horn-A-Corns to anyone else, fine. We miss out on playing with our favorite toys. But if Melvin gets them? Audrey?
 * Audrey: [makes another explosion sound]
 * Dot: They will be destroyed... (whispering) forever.
 * Lotta: (pulling her hair in anxiety) I don't know. Breaking the trading tree rules, even for a good cause, I... [looks at the Horn-A-Corn poster]
 * Narwhalla: Save me, Lotta. Save us all.
 * Lotta: [gasps] Narwhalla, don't you cry!
 * Dot: Huh? [looks at Audrey]
 * Lotta: I'm in for the Horn-A-Corns.
 * [cut to the Harvey Girls giving Pinkeye a forged card.]
 * Audrey: Pinkeye, your Zu Queenie.
 * Pinkeye: The rain of Queen Pinkeye begins! [cackles, gives the girls the Horn-A-Corns and runs off]
 * [The girls open the Horn-A-Corn boxes. Audrey bites hers open, Dot carefully opens hers, and Lotta rips hers in two. They put the Horn-A-Corns together.]
 * Audrey, Dot, and Lotta: We three are... the Horn-A-Corns!
 * [Star wipe to the next scene. Fredo is sitting on a branch when Pinkeye climbs a ladder up to him.]
 * Pinkeye: Fredo, look what I got. [hands Fredo the Zu Queenie card]
 * Fredo: Wow, that would crush any card that I got, even my Battle Cabbage. Wait, this doesn't have the official Food Fighters seal of food authenticity.
 * Pinkeye: [gasps, takes the card back] You're right. [licks the card] This tastes like a fake, too. The real cards are salty.
 * Fredo: If you got duped, maybe Melvin was wrong, and it is possible to trade fakesies. Know what that means?
 * Pinkeye: (eating the card) No, not a clue. [finishes eating it]
 * [Scene changes to Pinkeye trading a yo-yo to Lucretia for a pear, only to take it back and give her the pear back with a bite taken out of it. Lucretia remembers what Bobby said.]
 * Bobby: (in thought bubble) No backsies.
 * [Lucretia smiles deviously. She trades a crayon to Frufru for a cupcake, having used it as lipstick. Frufru applies it to her lips, but gasps when she realizes it's not lipstick at all.]
 * Frufru: I don't think so. [remembers what Bobby said]
 * Bobby: (in thought bubble) No fakesies.
 * [Frufru trades a boy a raccoon in baby clothes and a pacifier for a high-heeled shoe. He holds it close to him.]
 * Bobby: (in thought bubble) No living thingsies.
 * [The raccoon spits out its pacifier and chases the boy away. Scene changes to the Harvey Girls with their Horn-A-Corns.]
 * Audrey: What's that, Pegtor? Oh, you want to make us Harvey Girls honorary horned protectors for saving you? Sure. [chuckles]
 * Lotta: Yeah, seems like everything worked out. Let's hit the tree and trade for cool Horn-A-Corn accessories.
 * The Bow: (offscreen) You want legitimate Horn-A-Corn goods? [camera pans to her as she opens her trenchcoat, which has a carrot and a spatula] Step into my boutique.
 * Audrey: The Harvey Street Bow?
 * The Bow: Got an official Horn-A-Corn Malibu Dream Carrot, and this is, uh, an evil spatula monster they fight.
 * Lotta: Ooh, spatula monster.
 * Dot: No, that is just a spatula.
 * The Bow: Maybe, but you can't bust me. You'd have to bust everyone here.
 * [Camera pans to reveal the havoc caused by the kids throwing out the Trading Tree's rules.]
 * Lucretia: (holding a fork with hair on it) 100% genuine locks of Harvey Girl hair.
 * Boy: Live frogs, priced to hop.
 * Bobby: My life's work... [drops his staff and falls on his back] ruined. [falls off the branch he's laying on]
 * Audrey: How?! We were gone five minutes!
 * The Bow: Word is it all started with one fake Zu Queenie card. Once that got traded, chaos blossomed.
 * Lotta: We did this. Now we got to un-did this.
 * Audrey: But we're just as guilty as them. And if we tell them that we started this, the Horn-A-Corns go back to Melvin, and then... [gets in Dot's face and imitates another explosion]
 * Tiny: (holding a tomato soup can) Silly raccoons. They traded me this cool top hat extender, [puts the can on his hat] and for just a fake deed to the Trading Tree.
 * Lotta: You brought the raccoons into this?
 * [The raccoons climb up the Trading Tree. The Harvey Girls scream and run away, and the other kids follow suit. One raccoon steals Lucretia's scrunchie.]
 * Lucretia: My scrunchie. [trips on a branch] I'm powerless without it!
 * [The raccoon that stole Lucretia's scrunchie stands triumphantly. The raccoons steal Tiny's top hat and can.]
 * Tiny: Ah, no backsies! Oh, right. We now live in a world with backsies. [cries]
 * Lotta: Ladies, we got to do what the Horn-A-Corns would do: combine to form a kid tower! Remember Horn-A-Corns book 19, where Narwhalla says, (imitating Narwhalla) "You can scare off any animal if you make yourself look bigger than it."
 * Dot: Lotta's right.
 * Audrey: Yeah, yeah.
 * Audrey, Dot, and Lotta: A kid tower! [they see the raccoons have converged above them]
 * Dot: We need more kids.
 * [Scene cuts to the other kids. One girl is being chased by a raccoon while others are arguing.]
 * Audrey: Guys, stop. Look, we created this mess.
 * Dot: We were the first to break the trust of the Tree by trading a fakesie. We were wrong.
 * Lotta: Hey, if we could backsie our fakesie, we would, but we can't. But we can fix it, if we all work together.
 * Pinkeye: Work together with Lucretia? [holds up an orange] She traded me this orange, and it is not fully ripe... [the "orange" grows eyes] or an orange! [it turns out to be a frog and hops away]
 * Lucretia: Well, I don't trust Fredo.
 * Fredo: And I don't trust The Bow.
 * The Bow: And I don't trust clocks. I say what time it is, not some bizarre circle box filled with wires.
 * Lotta: No, we must trust. We need the Trading Tree. From our mistake, let a new trust grow. Let it grow tall and strong, like a, I don't know, maybe some sort of a big plant, maybe?
 * [The other kids all cheer and stack on top of each other, with the Harvey Girls and Tiny at the top. They cast a shadow over the raccoons. Lotta clears her throat to get their attention.]
 * Audrey: Git.
 * Dot: This is our tree.
 * Tiny: And I'm the horn!
 * [The kids collectively yell, scaring the raccoons away. As they cheer, Tiny gets blown away on the wind.]
 * Tiny: I'm tall!
 * [Scene cuts to Dot.]
 * Dot: Pinkeye, these are yours. [she, Audrey, and Lotta return their Horn-A-Corns to Pinkeye] So long, my horned angel. If you give her to Melvin, promise me she won't suffer.
 * [Pinkeye nods and walks off.]
 * Bobby: Thank you, Harvey Girls. You acted like the real elders today. But I'm still older.
 * Melvin: Who cares? It's time to trash some cuteness. Pinkeye, my cuteness?
 * Pinkeye: You know, I think I'm gonna keep 'em. They're actually pretty cool. [hugs the Narwhalla doll, getting mucus on it]
 * Audrey: (disgusted) Yeah, those belong to Pinkeye now.
 * Tiny: (blowing on the wind) I'm tall!